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By Rosalind Sedacca CCT
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Relationship breakups, like life, are rarely neat and packaged. This is especially true for GLBT families. The reality of a breakup, divorce, separation or any other relationship dissolution comes with unexpected twists, constant frustrations and times of utter helplessness when children act up or pull away.
Here are three tips for coping with times when your children are venting, lashing out or expressing their own frustrations about being caught up in a family adjusting to these types of dramatic transition.
Some children, especially pre-teens and teens, may blame one parent/partner or the other for the split up. Sometimes they may be correct in this interpretation given circumstances they have been aware of for years (alcoholism, outside affairs, domestic violence, etc.). Other times they side with one parent as a result of their prior relationship dynamics with that person.
Regardless of why you or your partner is being blamed, keep your cool. In many cases, blaming is a defense against feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances in that child’s life. Suddenly there are so many changes in such a short period of time. Often this behavior is not meant against you personally. It is merely a child’s way of coping. When you keep this in mind, it is easier not to personalize the outbursts and accusations.
Patiently remind the child that you understand their frustrations. Acknowledge they have a sincere right to feel that way. Tell them how much you love them and how much you regret their hurt and pain. Let them know this was a difficult decision for both partners yet one you feel is the best alternative for your family’s future happiness and well-being. Be patient and consistent. And don’t internalize a child’s expressions of frustration as a lack of love for you as a parent.
Often, negative comments from children are expressions of distress and not criticism. Children want and need encouragement, support and security during times of stress and change. If their needs are not being met because one or both partners are too caught up in their own hurt and drama, it is not surprising to hear negative comments and outbursts. When you realize that this is a call for attention, recognition and the emotional healing that you can provide, you can move into action. This is the time to reinforce your comments about the key messages every child needs to hear. They include: You are safe. You are loved by both partners. You will not lose the adults who care about you, even if the family’s physical dynamic will be changing. You are not to blame for the break up of this relationship.
In many ways, the end of a relationship is like death. Sometimes the best thing you can do is fully be there for your children and understand what they are going through from their perspective. Talk if they want to talk. Hug and cuddle if they respond to affection. Continue as many family routine activities as possible on a day-to-day basis. Be honest and sincere when you are upset or frustrated by changes in your family life — and let them express their frustrations, as well. Most importantly, accept and acknowledge whatever they share with you as OK for them to feel. Try to put yourself into the mind-set of your 6-, 10- or 15-year-old and experience the world from their viewpoint.
This is what creating a child-centered divorce or dissolution is all about. Let your children’s emotional and physical needs be at the forefront of your mind when making life-altering decisions related to breaking up the family. Children of child-centered divorces are less fearful and more likely to move on with their lives into the future with confidence and high self-esteem. Isn’t that what you want for your children?
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